Gross Stories!

Shoot From the Hip
I was a premature baby and weighed less than four pounds at birth. My mom told me that at my first doctor’s visit, I looked really tiny compared to the other babies in the waiting room. When it was time for my checkup, the doctor put me on the exam table to listen to my heart and feel my tummy. Then the doctor lifted my legs to check my bottom. At that exact moment, I let loose with an explosive poop that hit the doctor right in the face. My mom was so embarrassed she made my dad bring me to the next visit. —Alex, age 13

Beat the Buzzer
I’ll never forget something that happened when my little brother was 9-months-old. My mom was feeding him peas and carrots for lunch. I was eating a grilled cheese sandwich on the other side of the kitchen table, which gave me a perfect view of the action. My mom was wearing a baggy blue T-shirt. When she leaned forward to deliver the last spoonful of carrots, Aaron threw up his entire meal. The food arced through the air like a wild shot in the last seconds of a basketball game. It’s up…it’s good! Every drop landed inside my mom’s shirt. —Ryan, age 12

Beauty Is In the Eye of the Beholder
I was at my cousin’s wedding when I overheard three guys in the row behind me giggling about something. One of them said, “Pete, you have got to see this.” Since they were friends of mine, I turned around to shush them. When I asked what they were doing, I found out that these 25-year-old “men” were passing around a cell phone with the picture of a poop on the screen. One of them had gone to the bathroom that morning and was amazed that his record-breaking poop didn’t break apart when it hit the bowl. So naturally he had to take a picture of it to show his pals. And to think, I ‘m about to give birth to my first baby—a boy! —Jessica, age 25

A Friend In Need
When I was a junior in college, my girlfriend asked me to pick a booger out of her nose. It had been bothering her for weeks, and she said it was too painful for her to remove herself. As you can imagine, asking someone to pick your nose is a delicate matter. Under normal circumstances, the only person who would even consider such a thing is your mother. But there were no moms around and being a nice guy, I agreed to do it. I won’t repeat the play-by-play, but after a few tense minutes, I removed a booger the size of a lima bean from her nose. The funny thing is, I’m positive she would not have returned the favor if the tables had been reversed. —Doug, age 27

The Best-laid Schemes
My brother has been an exercise nut his whole life and now, at 35, he still rides his bike to work every day. This wouldn’t be a problem except for the fact that he has the sweatiest feet on Earth. My brother deals with this my keeping extra socks at the office. One Monday morning, his sock drawer was empty. Since he didn’t want to spend the day squishing around the office, he got the idea to use a microwave oven to dry his socks—it was in the employee lounge. As you might guess, even the newest microwaves do not include directions on how to dry socks. However, being a resourceful guy, my brother simply turned the microwave on “high” for five minutes and went to check his email. When he got back, a foul-smelling steam was coming from his makeshift dryer, and his socks were “done.” Unfortunately, the microwave now smelled like my brother’s feet, and it had to be replaced—by him. —Anne, age 31

Bombs Away
During my training to become a vet, I spent a few months working at a zoo. One day, my supervisor and I had to help a gorilla with a toothache. Unfortunately, gorillas have about as much interest in letting someone fix their teeth as 2-year-old getting a haircut, so our first task was to give the ape a shot to put him to sleep. This isn’t dangerous (for the gorilla), but he wasn’t happy to see us in his cage and did everything he could to avoid our advances. In one final attempt to keep us at bay, the clever simian picked up handfuls of his own poop and threw them in our direction. This worked for a while, but he eventually ran out of ammunition, and we were able to subdue him for the procedure. —Lisa, age 25

Ready, Aim, Fire
When I was growing up, we always spent our summer vacations at the beach. One day my brother Steve and I needed to pee really badly. We were pretty far from the house, so my mom told us to go in the ocean. Because we had never done this before, we walked to the water, pulled down our bathing suits and started to pee in the surf. When my mom saw what we were doing, she jumped up and down and frantically waved her arms in the air to get us to stop. That’s when Steve and I learned you’re supposed to go into the water before you pee.
—Jeff, age 48

On the Go
My family went to Denmark last summer. We had a wonderful time, but noticed something odd in many of the buildings we visited. When an elevator starts to move in Denmark, a sign comes on that reads, i fart. At first glance, you might think that Danish elevators are powered by intestinal gas. However, the actual translation is, in speed, which simply means that the elevator is moving. The expression is pronounced, ee-faaaht. —Christopher and Caroline, ages 8 & 10

All In a Day’s Work
My Aunt Jenna recently noticed that her bathroom floor was constantly damp. She checked the toilet a number of times but was unable to find a leak. Finally, she called a plumber to fix the problem. After thirty minutes, the plumber confirmed that she had a leak all right, but it was not coming from the toilet. The problem was her sons, aged five and eight, who had not mastered the art of hitting the bowl when they peed. —Gabe, age 10

Elementary, My Dear Watson
Like most kids, my brother and I never remembered to flush the toilet after we went to the bathroom. The amazing thing about this is that neither of us would ever admit to being responsible for the mess that was left behind. Although it’s hard to prove who left pee in the toilet, our poops were very different. Tim had round, hard poop that sank like stones. I, on the other hand, had snake-like poops that swirled around the bowl. Even though it didn’t take Sherlock Holmes to figure out which one of us forgot to flush, Tim and I both proclaimed our innocence no matter what our parents found at the scene of the crime. —Peter, age 19

Higher Education
My mom went to college at Duke University. One of her favorite places at school was an archway that led to the center of campus. The reason she loved this spot was because it had great acoustics and anyone who belched there could hear an amazing echo as the sound reverberated off the stone blocks that made up the arch. She took my brother and I there last year when we visited the school. And yes, my brother and I were not the only ones to let a monster belch fly. My mom’s performance gave the term “surround sound” a whole new meaning. —Tucker, age 9

For the Birds
When I was in college, I majored in biology. For my senior paper, I did an experiment with chickens. The experiment lasted for eight weeks, so I had to take care of the chickens in addition to studying them. The thing I remember most about the experiment is how much the birds pooped. Not only that, but they ate their poop with almost as much gusto as their chicken feed. My professor said they did this to put bacteria back in their intestines, which kept them healthy. I guess this is similar to eating those new yogurts that contain active cultures, i.e., bacteria that are good for us. I don’t like yogurt much, but as a snack it sure beats poop. —Jay, age 23

Look Before You Leap
My dad and I love to go camping. One night, I had to poop so badly that I couldn’t wait until morning. There were a lot of animal noises that night, and I was afraid to stray too far from the campsite. So I got up and quietly pooped right outside the tent. My dad woke up early the next morning to surprise me with a big stack of pancakes. Unfortunately, he went outside without his shoes and stepped in my poop with his bare feet. I guess he’s the one who got the surprise. —Ellie, age 9

I Never Promised You A Rose Garden
Every year, the third-graders at my school go on a 2-day field trip to a Colonial farm in Northern Virginia. Since plumbing didn’t exist in the Colonial era, the farm does not have toilets. So one of the first things we did was to make an old-fashioned bathroom called a necessary. If you have never had the pleasure of using one, it’s basically a big hole in the ground. Instead of sitting down to go, you squat over the hole and do whatever is “necessary” to relieve yourself. As you can imagine, this makeshift bathroom got pretty raunchy even though the teachers dumped lots of lime powder into the pit to try and control the smell.

Last year, one of the students lost his balance and fell into the necessary after he did his business. Luckily, he landed feet first so he didn’t get pee, poop, and mud all over his body. However, one of his shoes got stuck when he was pulled out, and no one was crazy enough to go in after it.

So the next time you sit on a cold toilet seat in the middle of winter, don’t complain about it. —Alex, age 10

The Big Sneeze
When I was a kid, I loved to bake with my mom. One time, my younger cousin spent the day at our house. Emily was only four, but she insisted on doing everything with me. So when it came time to make biscuits for dinner, Emily asked if she could help mix the dough. My mom pulled over a stool so she could reach the counter. Emily was very proud of herself as she spread flour on the cutting board and kneaded the dough with her fingers. Everything was great until she got some flour in her nose and sneezed right into the dough. No one saw this but me, and I was afraid Emily would cry if I told my mom what had happened. When everyone commented at dinner that the biscuits were delicious, I did not mention what the secret ingredient was. —Angie, age 23

You Can Lead a Horse To Water
I grew up in a household with a stay-at-home mom and a microbiologist dad. For those of you who don’t know what a microbiologist does, he is a scientist that studies bugs. Not creepy, crawly bugs, but microscopic creatures like bacteria and viruses. I don’t remember which ones my dad specialized in. What I do remember is that he was crazy about germs. He wasn’t crazy in the sense that he loved them. Rather, he was always worried that someone in the family was going to catch something. This meant that everything in our house was always spotless, thanks to my Lysol-wielding mom.

So you can imagine my dad’s reaction to an incident that happened when his 3-year-old daughter (me) was being toilet trained. One morning, my dad was sitting at the kitchen table having a cup of coffee and reading the newspaper. I had an accident and pooped in my pants. My mom was upstairs when I said, “Daddy, I have something for you.” He reached out his hand without looking, and I handed him my poop. He must have figured out what it was right away because he got a look of absolute shock on his face as he yelled for my mom to come downstairs and take care of her messy daughter. —Melissa, age 31

Boys Will Be Boys
My dad and I love to wrestle and act like goofballs together. One day when I was 9-years-old, my mom came home from a trip to the grocery store and found the two of us on the living room floor. I was lying on my back, and my dad was kneeling on top of me with his butt two inches from my face. He was making grunting sounds like he always did when he was trying to push out a fart. My mom stopped in her tracks and yelled, “Steve, what on earth are you doing to our son?” My dad looked up with an innocent expression and said, “He started it!”
—Russ, age 13

That’s the Way the Shoe Bounces
My dad and I went out to dinner the other day. When we arrived at the restaurant, both of us had to pee really badly. Since neither of us could wait, we used the urinal at the same time. I finished first and was walking away to wash my hands when I accidentally nudged my dad, and some of his pee dribbled on my big toe. (I was wearing flip-flops at the time). I realize parents are used to getting some of their kid’s pee on them, but this arrangement is absolutely, positively, not a two-way street. I was so grossed out that I shook my foot in the air to get the pee off my toe. As I did this, the flip-flop flew off my foot and landed in the urinal while my dad was still peeing. I would never have worn it again, but my dad insisted and came to my rescue by taking the flip-flop to the sink for a thorough scrub down. —Ryan, age 11

Tastes Great, Less Filling
A few years ago, my brother and I went to a petting zoo. We saw goats, pigs, llamas, horses, and other farm animals. But the strangest thing we saw was a cow with a cold. We had never thought about this before, but it turns out that animals get colds just like people do. We had a blast looking at the cow’s runny nose until the animal decided it was time for some personal hygiene. And what did the cow do since tissues weren’t an option? She used her tongue, of course. With two masterful swipes, she licked the snot right out of her nostrils.—Molly, age 13

A Bat Out of Hell
When I was a kid, one of my cats had a bad habit of eating stuff that was lying around the house. One time, Sylvester got into my mom’s knitting and swallowed a piece of yarn. A few days later, we found him tearing through the living room like he was being chased. When we looked closer, we saw that an 8-inch piece of red yarn was sticking out of his butt. There was a lump of poop stuck to the end of the yarn and it was bouncing around as Sylvester ran through the house. He must have thought a killer mouse was after him. —Jeff, age 47

The Coast Is Clear
Last summer, my Aunt Helen went to a home furnishing store to look for a new kitchen sink. My uncle was out of town, so she had to take her 4-year-old with her. True to form, Taylor wanted to explore the entire store. Despite Aunt Helen’s best efforts, my pesky little cousin eventually wandered off. After a few minutes of searching, my aunt found him in the bathroom section of the store. Taylor had just pooped in one of the display toilets. These are real toilets, but they don’t work because they do not contain water and are not connected to any pipes. Aunt Helen was so embarrassed that she grabbed Taylor by the hand and hightailed it out of the store. —Alice, age 13

All That Glitters Is Not Gold
My dad’s parents were very strict about the amount of junk food he was allowed to eat as a kid. Except for birthdays and holidays, candy was not allowed. One morning on the way to school, my dad saw a Hershey Bar on the sidewalk. Before his mom could stop him, he bent down, grabbed the chocolate and took a great big bite. Although it was delicious at first, victory turned into defeat a few seconds later. As he chewed the chocolate, my dad felt something moving in his mouth. When he looked at his right hand, he saw ants crawling all over the underside of the Hershey Bar. He spit out what he was chewing and ran inside to wash his mouth. —Addison, age 9

Gotcha!
As a doctor, I spend a lot of time taking care of kids that are sick. One day, I saw a 3-year-old girl who had a sore throat and a fever. I told her mom that I needed to do a throat culture to find out if she had a strep throat. The girl threw up right after I swabbed her throat. Given the nature of my job, I’m always ready for this sort of thing to happen. As the vomit spewed from her mouth, I jumped back with the speed and agility of a football player dodging a tackle. The girl barfed all over her mom and herself, but I escaped untouched. Unfortunately, when she noticed where the vomit landed, she began vigorously shaking her arms to get the goo off her clothes. I used my best moves, but vomit was flying everywhere. When I surveyed the damage, I saw that I was hit in the chest, belly, and crotch.
—Howard, age 59

Sweet Revenge
My grandfather was a doctor that specialized in stomach problems. One day he saw an elderly lady who was having trouble with her poops. He told her she needed to bring a sample to the office. The woman said she was embarrassed to carry her poop around. My grandfather reassured her that his patients did this all the time and that she could put the specimen in any container she had lying around the house.

The woman put her poop in an empty mayonnaise jar, placed the jar in an old shoebox and wrapped it up like it was a birthday present. However, when she came back to see my grandfather two weeks later, she did not have the poop with her. Puzzled, my grandfather asked her what happened. She said that someone stole her package when she got off the bus. —Debbie, age 37

Keep Your Hands To Yourself
Before I got married, I worked at a car dealership. One of the guys I worked with was extremely neat. His desk was always in order, his clothes were always spotless, and he washed his hands ten times a day. One afternoon, Carl was in the showroom when a mechanic walked by scratching his butt. Actually, the term “scratching his butt” is an understatement because the guy had his whole hand wedged in his crack. Upon seeing this, Carl shook his head and walked over to let the guy know that this behavior was unacceptable around customers. Right before he reached the mechanic, the guy turned around and put his hand—THE HAND—on Carl’s shoulder as he said hello. Somehow Carl managed to keep from fainting, but he ran back to his office and changed his shirt faster than you can say dingleberry. —Frances, age 45

Lost and Found
When my son Harry was three years old, he lost a poop. Since poops are not something that one generally misplaces, I need to explain this in more detail. As far as peeing goes, Harry caught on to potty training pretty quickly. Pooping was trickier for him, but he still insisted on wearing big boy underpants. One day we were at my father-in-law’s house when Harry announced that he had a poop. A quick inspection revealed a small brown smear on his bottom, but there was no poop in his underpants. For the next hour, the detective team of Grandpa, Dad, and myself tried to solve the Case of the Missing Poop. We checked high and low, but the poop was nowhere to be found. In the end, we decided that Harry must have had some wet gas that he thought was a poop. When it was time to go home, my husband ran down to the basement to make sure all the lights were turned off. The good news is that he found Harry’s poop on the way back upstairs. The bad news is that he found it with his left foot. —Hadley, age 34

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