Help Wanted Ads

By Howard J. Bennett, MD

Emotionally drained couple—38 & 42, seek chauffer to drive our children to Maine this summer for our family vacation. (We’re planning to fly.) Are you willing to endure hours of bickering, stupid songs about bodily functions, and endless requests to go to McDonalds? If so, send qualifications and a letter from your parole officer to Box 486.

Rambunctious boy—4, looking for imaginary friend to play with. I like Rescue Heroes, Legos, anything that rolls or bounces, and hiding my big sister’s toys. You must be willing to take the heat when things get mysteriously broken around the house. I’m not sure what you look like, but I’ll know you when I see you. Box 123.

I know you’re out there—Busy mom of five seeks energetic girl aged 10 to 14 who is interested in being a mother’s helper one day per week. Are you into crying babies, rambunctious toddlers, siblings who put ketchup in each other’s hair, and diapers that sag to the knees? If so, this could be a match made in heaven. Send a picture and a note from your parents to Box 743.

Frustrated boy—7, seeks ex-NBA basketball player to shoot hoops with when my doctor-parents are too tired to get off the couch (which is most of the time). I make a mean peanut butter and jelly sandwich and my folks have extended cable. As an added bonus, you can borrow my dad’s new Porsche roadster for weekend getaways with the lady friend of your choice. Send photo and basketball stats to Box 824.

Picky girl—6, seeks ravenous dog to gobble up the disgusting food my parents want me to eat. You must be willing to hang around my chair until I secretly push food off the table. I like hotdogs, French fries, macaroni and cheese, and chocolate milk. The only thing I eat that is green is Fruit Rollups—the rest is yours. As a reward for your services, you’ll get two walks per day and lots of tummy rubs. Send photo and your shot record to Box 329.

Harried mother—28, needs someone with a strong constitution to do lice checks on her daughters, ages four and six. No regular hours, but you must be able to come over on an “as needed” basis, STAT! Send photo and results of recent Rorschach test to Box 237.

Academically challenged boy—12, seeks geeky “big brother” to do my homework. I stink at math, science and English, and I’m really awful at social studies. I don’t have anything to pay you but my friends think my airhead of a sister is pretty hot. In fact, she barely wears anything to cover the supple flesh on her tanned, 17-year-old body as she saunters around the house listening to Justin Timberlake and Avril Lavigne. (Hey, maybe I’m not so bad at English after all.) Anyway, send copies of your last three report cards to Box 628.

Intimidated father—48, seeks ex-bouncer or retired professional wrestler to accompany me to my son’s soccer games so demented parents won’t pummel me if I complain when their future convicts, I mean children, are being too rough on the field. I’m a board member for a local opera house and can get you season’s tickets in addition to your regular fee. Please send a photo showing all of your tattoos to Box 532.

Madam Coulter’s School for Children Who Won’t Sleep Through the Night—Does your infant or toddler wake up at ungodly hours? Are you so sleep deprived that you wouldn’t notice if your wife offered you a weekend of nonstop sex? We are now accepting applications for the next term at our prestigious school. If your child is between the ages of 6 and 18 months, is free from all communicable diseases and wakes up at least three times a night, we will be glad to take him/her off your hands for the requisite eight-week training period. The nonrefundable cost for the program is $2500 (we offer a twin discount for $4000). Call now and reserve a place at this premier institute for nocturnal bliss. Send a 500-word essay on why you need our help and two letters of recommendation to Box 456.

Out of this world—Frustrated parents seek semi-intelligent life form to abduct their adolescent daughter until she is fit to live with the human race. No questions asked, and we’ll keep the back door unlocked on the first Monday of each month. We would appreciate a brief note letting us know where you’re taking her and when she’ll be returned to earth. Please do not let her take her cell phone because we have to pay roaming costs on our current plan. Beam your information to Box 999.

© 2012 Howard J. Bennett. All Rights Reserved.

(First published in Stitches, The Journal of Medical Humor February 2004.)

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