By Howard J. Bennett, MD
Bug Found In Dick Cheney’s Chest
Washington, DC—During a routine checkup at the Walter Reed Army Medical Center, Dick Cheney’s cardiologist noted a faint “beep” when he listened to the vice president’s heart. Although an EKG and echocardiogram were normal, Mr. Cheney was rushed to CIA headquarters in Langley, Virginia where further testing revealed that a “bug” had been secretly implanted in his pacemaker. Emergency surgery was performed to remove the listening device, and warrants were issued for the manufacturer of the pacemaker and all individuals involved with the vice president’s original surgery.
George Tenet, director of the CIA, said at a news conference that it is unclear at this point whether this was an episode of espionage or a practical joke by some of Mr. Cheney’s old buddies at Halliburton. “Make no mistake,” the director said, “heads will roll if we find out that this was a practical joke.” In a separate briefing, president Bush’s press secretary assured the world that at no time was the security of the United States compromised. “As you all know, Mr. Cheney has been out of the loop lately, so nothing he may have said would compromise the administration.”
Additional stories will be reported as details become available. The White House has set up a toll free hotline: 1-800-NOLEAKS for anyone who has credible information about this story, including rumors that the Democrats are behind the bugging.
Scientist Proves Gassy Adage Is True
Bethesda, MD—In an elaborate study conducted over a 4-year period, Dr. Samuel Glass determined that the person who first smells the unmistakable aroma of flatus is, in fact, its originator. This finding proves the old saying: “The one who smelt it, dealt it.”
Dr. Glass is the director of psychoproctology at NIH. His study is the first to describe a motor activity called “lifting.” When a seated individual passes gas, he or she invariably shifts from one gluteal cheek to the other.
Sometimes lifting is dramatic as with the delivery of the BOMB—those earth shattering farts that men cut during ball games or when they’re playing cards with their friends. Other times lifting is an almost imperceptible movement that only the trained eye will notice. However, to eliminate investigator bias from his results, Dr. Glass used high-frequency sonar to monitor lifting in his test subjects.
“From a neurological perspective, people may not be aware they are lifting,” Dr. Glass said in a recent interview. “Then, the guilt that results from contaminating the atmosphere invariably leads to the question, ‘Who cut the cheese?’”
“What’s ironic,” Dr. Glass said, “is that people are so Victorian in their desire to cover up farts.” This attitude is believed to be the basis for the related saying, “The one who denied it, supplied it.
Father Feeds His Four-Month-Old Infant In The Middle Of The Night
Belmont, MI—Phillip Sherman, 34, fed his 4-month-old son at 3 a.m. last night. When asked about the incident, Mr. Sherman said that Phillip Jr. woke up in the middle of the night, which is not unusual for his son. “Normally my wife feeds the baby, but I must have been in a light sleep when he started crying and Sarah Jean looked dead to the world, so I got up and fed the little bugger myself.”
When we interviewed Mrs. Sherman, we discovered that her husband mixed the formula by himself and even warmed it up correctly before feeding the baby. Neighbors were astonished at this feat of unbridled selflessness by Mr. Sherman.
“I wish my old man had done that for me now and again,” said neighbor Mrs. Rudy Nesbitt, 83. “But I’m afraid the old coot would have given the baby a beer instead of milk.”
The newest celebrity in Belmont didn’t ask for all this attention, but when his wife told her friends about the incident one thing led to another and the couple is now making the rounds on the evening talk shows. City leaders are planning a brief ceremony tomorrow night in the town square and Phillip will be given the keys to the city.
Star Of Hit Sitcom Undergoes Surgery for Ruptured Appendix
Hollywood, CA—Zach Braff, who plays Dr. JD Dorian on the hit sitcom, Scrubs, was rushed to the UCLA Medical Center last night with severe abdominal pain. Fellow actor, Donald Faison, who plays surgical resident Chris Turk on the show, accompanied him to the ER. Zack’s symptoms began shortly after eating dinner in the studio cafeteria, which lead him to believe that it was just a case of indigestion.
Scrubs’ spokesperson, Myra Bloom, voiced concern that viewers may hold it against Zach for missing his own appendicitis. “Zach’s pain began in the left lower quadrant, which is very unusual for an appendicitis,” she said to a group of reporters. “Furthermore,” she added, “just because JD’s, I mean Zach’s appendix burst is no reason for viewers to stop watching the show.” The show’s producer agreed that Zach would have made the diagnosis promptly had his symptoms been more typical.
While he was in the recovery room, Zach was asked why he didn’t consult John C. McGinley, who plays the gruff but lovable Dr. Perry Cox on the show. He told reporters that if John had called him “Newbie” like he does on the set, he may have stabbed him with a butter knife right on the spot.
Donald Faison, AKA Chris Turk, was allowed to scrub into the procedure after he correctly answered a couple of pimp questions showing his knowledge of the abdominal fascia. The surgeon kindly asked Turk to cauterize a few bleeders and let the actor close the incision. Zach will need to spend a week in the hospital on IV antibiotics, but should be back on the set soon after discharge.
JAMA Chief Quits To Write TV Sitcom
Chicago, IL—Catherine DeAngelis, editor-in-chief of the American Medical Association’s prestigious journal will step down to pursue her lifelong dream of becoming a television writer. “Although I’ve had a fabulous career as a medical editor, there has always been something missing,” Dr. DeAngelis said to a group of supporters. “Most people would not see my medical career to be a stepping-stone to Hollywood, but I’ve always been a little jealous watching ER and other medical dramas on TV.”
Sources close to the prolific editor say that she has already finished two treatments for possible television shows. One is a sitcom about a group of wild and crazy medical students who hardly ever study, get into trouble all the time, but somehow manage to outsmart their superiors at the end of each episode.
The other is an hour-long drama about a psychotic physician/lawyer who sues himself for medical or legal malpractice every week.
© 2012 Howard J. Bennett. All Rights Reserved.
(First published in Stitches, The Journal of Medical Humor August 2004.)
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