The Doctor’s Catalog

By Howard J. Bennett, MD

Following the success of their catalog for hypochondriacs, LL Bean is expanding their product line to include a companion offering for doctors. These items take the sting out of medical care and will once again empower docs to have fun while they practice the healing arts.

Rent-A-PatientTM

Now that you’ve finished three years of residency training at a prestigious medical center, you’re looking to fulfill your lifelong dream of starting a medical practice. You find a great location, hire a small but top-notch staff, and proudly “hang out your shingle.”

But where are all the patients? Although friends and relatives refer a handful of people, your waiting room is as empty as a Madonna concert at an old age home. With Rent-A-PatientTM your troubles will be a thing of the past. Our service can fill your waiting room with simulated patients of all ages and backgrounds. Simply choose the specifications your want from our 2,000-page catalog and we’ll have you up and running in no time.

Our simulated patients have all taken a six-week training course that teaches them how to act like real patients. You can pick patients with any ailment known to medical science. You want people with sore throats? We got ‘em. You want people with chronic dizziness? We got ‘em. You want little old ladies in no acute distress? We got ‘em.

To attain the realism of a doctor’s office, our patients can act out any attitude you select. We have grateful patients, anxious patients, obnoxious patients, and impatient patients.

So why delay? Once your waiting room is filled with our patients, any real ones that show up will know they’ve come to the right place!

• Rent-A-PatientTM

#FULLHOUSE $125.00 (per hour)

Consult CycleTM

Ever wish there was a way you could get some exercise at the same time you’re seeing patients? With Consult CycleTM you can get an aerobic workout anytime you want within the confines of your own office.

The Consult CycleTM is an air-resistance exercise bike that is mounted to the front end of your office chair. Operation is simple: as you sit behind the desk you just peddle away, conditioning your legs, abs, and gluteal muscles as you go. You can use the Consult CycleTM during just about any clinical encounter—talking with patients after an examination, returning phone calls, or hiding in the office to avoid drug reps.

Because Consult CycleTM uses air resistance, the bike creates a gentle breeze that will keep you cool at all times, even when you’re trying to get some moronic HMO administrator to authorize a hospital admission.

Research done at Yale University Medical Center shows a high degree of acceptability among patients of all ages. Rather than feeling ignored or rebuffed, patients will see that you not only give good advice, but that you “practice what you preach.”

• Consult CycleTM

# FIRMUP $799.00

Lawyer DetectorTM

It’s been said that anyone in the hospital wearing a three-piece suit is a lawyer until proven otherwise. But what about the office setting? Given the wide range of people that get sick everyday, how’s a doctor to know if his next patient is a walking malpractice suit or not?

Thanks to Lawyer DetectorTM this anxiety is a thing of the past. Lawyer DetectorTM is based on psychological research, which shows that lawyers really are different from the rest of us. Their speech patterns, facial expressions, and body language clearly set them apart from the crowd.

Using a patented technology, Lawyer DetectorTM works a lot like a radar gun. The patient is scanned and the information received is downloaded into the device’s internal processing unit. The data is then cross-referenced against a database of over 48,000 variables. Within seconds, the digital readout lets you know if your patient is a lawyer or not. The results are accurate to the 99.99% confidence level. In fact, Lawyer DetectorTM is guaranteed to work—if it misses a lawyer, we’ll pay your malpractice premiums for a full year.

Lawyer DetectorTM comes in a case the size of a clock radio so it can sit inconspicuously on any desk or flat surface in your office or exam rooms.

So don’t get caught with your pants down! Order Lawyer DetectorTM today!

• Lawyer DetectorTM

#GOTCHA $450.00

Office Biopsy KitTM

Ever since the first Rapid Strep Test hit the shelves, primary-care docs have been clamoring for additional ways to diagnose patients in the office setting. Now, thanks to the Office Biopsy KitTM you’ll be able to unlock the pathology lurking inside your patients at the drop of a hat—or needle, as the case may be.

The Office Biopsy KitTM contains all the equipment you’ll need to perform a biopsy in 30 minutes or less: needles, IV fluid, sterile drapes, anesthesia, oxygen, slides, a disposable microscope, Band-Aids, portable ultrasound, pathology atlas, consent forms, and a list of malpractice attorneys in your area.

Remember, there’s no internal organ that can’t be reached with a strong arm and the right equipment. Order now and be the first primary-care doc on your block to swim with the big boys.

• Office Biopsy KitTM

#OOPS $2,900.00

ER-OR-BUSTTM

Admit it—you love watching ER. Even if the writers get things wrong occasionally, when was the last time a television drama made doctor’s lives appear so exciting? So what if the show makes it seem like everyone in the country is either bleeding to death or about to. It’s still pretty cool, and it makes doctors look good.

Now, instead of listening to your staff talk about last week’s episode, you can actually be on the show. For a limited time only, Michael Crichton has decided he’d like to give something back to medicine and he wants to let real doctors be a part of his drama. You can be an extra, a supporting character, or a love interest for one of the doctors on the show (double the price if you want to play an extra who dies dramatically in the code room).

What are you waiting for? Stop being a doctor so you can get to play one on TV!

• ER-OR-BUSTTM

#EXTR $1,000.00

#CHAR $1,800.00

#LOVCHAR $2,500.00

© 2012 Howard J. Bennett. All Rights Reserved.

(First published in Stitches, The Journal of Medical Humor April 2001.)

For more articles and other information,
please visit Dr. B’s website at http://www.howardjbennett.com

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