By Howard J. Bennett, MD

A few years ago, I put together a collection of funny quotes and one-liners about doctors and healthcare. Because I’m a pediatrician, I decided to include a section that related to kids, families and parenting.

The title of this article was coined by my friend (and patient) Rachel Ruina. Of all the quotes I collected for my book, Rachel’s is the funniest and the one I share most often with parents in my pediatric practice. Here are some other jewels to brighten your day.

Familiarity breeds contempt—and children. —Mark Twain

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. —Steven Wright

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet—so we bought a dog. Well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet. —Rita RudnerSince adolescents are too old to do the things kids do and not old enough to do the things adults do, they do the things nobody else would do. —Anonymous

It’s not easy being a mother. If it was easy, fathers would do it. —Dorothy, “The Golden Girls”

Before accepting a marriage proposal, take a good look at his father. If he’s still handsome, witty, and has all his teeth…marry him instead. —Diane Jordan

I used to worry about losing my husband to another woman. Now, I’m more afraid of losing my nanny to another woman. —Sybil Adelman

There are only two things a child will share willingly—communicable diseases and his mother’s age. —Benjamin Spock, MD

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. —Erma Bombeck

The way I look at it, if my kids are alive at the end of the day, I’ve done my job. —Roseanne Barr

For me, parenting is like dieting. Every day, I wake up filled with resolve and good intentions, perfection in view, and every day I somehow stray from the path. The difference is, with dieting I usually make it to lunch. —Marion Winik

My wife had a lot of gas when she was pregnant with our first child. One day, I said, “Gina, would you mind going into another room until you’re done?” She replied, “If I left the room every time I had to pass gas, I’d never be here.” —Ryan James

Kids aren’t easy, but there has to be some penalty for sex. —Bill Maher

Antibiotics are medicine’s version of Super Bowl tickets—everybody wants them, but they don’t always live up to their expectations. — Howard J. Bennett, MD

I never understood why late afternoon is called “Arsenic Hour.” Are you supposed to take it yourself or give it to your kids? —Mandy Katz

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. — Anonymous

If Abraham’s son had been a teenager, it wouldn’t have been a sacrifice. —Scott Spendlove

The Laws of Behavior Management only apply to other people’s children. — Lawrence G. Calhoun, PhD

© 2012 Howard J. Bennett. All Rights Reserved

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please visit Dr. B’s website at http://www.howardjbennett.com